You've Got Mail!
by TenyumeKasumi
Summary: When Kai Leng sends a mocking message to Shepard's terminal after the commander's defeat on Thessia, the crew decide that a little spammy revenge is in order.
1. Chapter 1

Note: This was written in response to a kmeme prompt, which goes as follows:

_I'm not the only one who wanted the ability to e-mail Kai Leng back, and I've seen a fic where Shepard *did*.  
But given how awesome some of the crew are at trolling (like Wrex, Garrus and Javik with the Salarians), I'd love to see not just Shepard - but the crew - write back to Kai Leng/Cerberus and troll the heck out of them. For the LOLZ. And just because Kai Leng is a bastard._

WARNING: Final message from Garrus contains direct references to horizontal dances.

* * *

**Re: Evacuating Thessia**

From: Commander Shepard

Big words coming from the guy who needed a bigass gunship equipped with rockets to back him up against three soldiers on foot. Compensating for something? And relying on trash talk too. Really? Too bad, I expected better from you. Then again, you _are_ Cerberus.

Shepard

P.S.: Oh, and thanks for your mail address. Hacking it was pretty simple. I've forwarded it to the rest of the crew. I hope your spam filter does its job better than you. Oh right, Cerberus doesn't provide those, do they?

* * *

**You will regret that**

From: Liara T'Soni

This isn't over.

* * *

**Hair product**

From: Samantha Traynor

To be honest, as much of a git as you are, I've always kind of admired your hair. It's so dark and catches the light in all the right places. Could you tell me what shampoo and conditioner brands you use? I've been trying Cosmos Wonder's Luxury range, but recently found out that I'm allergic to their morning glory-scented shampoo. Shame really, the smell seemed to make Officer Goldstein perk up every time I walked past.

Samantha

* * *

**Masculinity**

From: Garrus Vakarian

Who the hell uses a sword nowadays anyway? You do realise that we have things called guns now? Oh right, you don't have one, do you? Sorry, my mistake.

G

* * *

**All your items are belong to us**

From: Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels

Hey, just thought we'd let you know that we've hacked your online Galaxy of Fantasy account. It's got some pretty wicked stuff. You've even got the Imperial Mythril Halberd! Most powerful weapon in the game, takes hours of grinding to get the raw materials to make it, and then a measly seven percent success rate at crafting. You must have spent _hours_ to get it.

Well, it's ours now. Thanks.

Kenn and Gabby

* * *

**Seriously? I mean, seriously?**

From: Jeff Moreau

That visor of yours is really over the top. I mean, The Illusive Man's eyes doing the glowy thing were freaky enough, but that? Overkill, dude.

Joker

* * *

**Muscles**

From: James Vega

I'm still more buff than you AND I don't need cybernetics.

James, Adonis of the 22nd century

* * *

**Cerberus scum**

From: Ashley Williams

Trust Cerberus to use underhanded tactics like slapping a damned gunship on people. What? Too scared to take us on in a real fight? Coward.

Williams

* * *

**Yours is a face only a mother could love**

From: Dr. Karin Chakwas

Either you were born with it, or your facial reconstruction surgery was done by someone with less prowess than one such as myself. Either way, you got the short end of the stick.

Chakwas

* * *

**You lovew everyome!1**

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

You do, dont yoy/ thats wjy you go thorugh alll rhis troun;e. Tou're sooooo sweeeeeet…. Ohh, I tink I had onew to many of thse red wine thngs. Its gtting ahrd to see tje scewwn. Feel so leepy I rhink ill jusr lie doen for az lit-

Tali

* * *

**Enjoy**

From: Kasumi Goto

Tali sent me your mail address and I've taken the liberty to leak it to the extranet (took me a while to make it out from all the gibberish, though. I think her omni-tool is glitching). Thought you would appreciate some fanmail. Oh, no need to thank me, it was my pleasure! And your firewall was ridiculously easy to hack. Remember not buy software from the black markets unless you know what you're doing.

Take care! And watch out for rats!

Kasumi

* * *

**[No subject]**

From: Asari High Command

We never forget our dues, and you owe us more than you can ever pay.

You would be wise to brace yourself.

* * *

**Push-ups**

From: Jacob Taylor

I bet I could do more than you.

You mad, bro?

Jacob

* * *

**Dekuuna**

From: Ambassador Calyn

With much anguish, you and your organisation are a blight to our galaxy. We will always remember you as murderer. You, who have torn down our homes, slaughtered our families and burned our children. Furiously, you have no place in this galaxy. Spitefully, you can tell your Illusive Maggot to eat his own foot.

Calyn

* * *

**Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, [Kitty Litter (KL)]! We would like to offer our thanks and appreciations to your registration of an annual subscription to Inspiring Quotes! Your subscription has been given to you as a gift by [Shadow Broker]. For every half an hour, we will send you an inspiring quote from famous individuals and groups, both in real life and fiction, from many different eras! We hope you enjoy this service and find it in you to be as inspired as we are by these amazing quotes!

Have a nice day!

Inspiring Quotes of the Ages

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* * *

**Y U NO USE GUN?!**

From: MiamiBabes959

WHAT KIND OF BLOODY ATTACK POWER WILL YOU HAVE, EVEN MY KID NEPHEWS TOY OMNI-PISTOL IS MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THAT MADE IN CHINA SHIT

NOW I CAN'T TURN OFF MY CAPS LOCK THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

* * *

**Commander Shepard**

From: Conrad Verner

You can try all you want, but you'll never be as great as Shepard. You're just a wannabe. I was like that some time ago, too. But eventually, you'll realise how great the commander is and you can never hold a candle to her. This fantasy of being a hero and saving the galaxy, it's just all in our heads. Give it up. It's not easy, I understand. Believe me, I do. In the end, the best we can do to help is do what we can and let the commander work her magic and save the day like she always does. Remember, if you're having a hard time giving up the fantasy, you can always talk to me. Here's my mail address.

Your new friend,

Conrad

_[AUTOPLAY: You can fight like a krogan, run like a leopard but you can never be better than Commander Sh-]_

_[MESSAGE DELETED]_

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"BORN TO BE WIIIIIIIIIIILD!" – Steppenwolf (human, 1968, Earth)

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages! Your next inspiring quote will be ready in another thirty galactic standard minutes!

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* * *

**Special delivery**

From: EDI

Hello, Kai Leng. The phrase, 'I hope you are doing well' is reportedly supposed to follow typical human greeting as a gesture of politeness, but I am neither inclined to wish you good health nor am I willing to be more polite to you than absolutely necessary. Hence, I will not use that phrase. I have actually been instructed to call you by your new nickname, 'Kitty Litter'. It was coined by Joker who thought it was rather fitting and it suited your initials quite perfectly. I think I agree with him.

I have herein attached a part of Joker's porn collection. I will find it amusing to know how you explain to your xenophobic superiors why you have 5 zettabytes worth of alien pornographic material on your personal servers.

I look forward to our next meeting.

EDI

* * *

**Fun times**

From: Garrus Vakarian

Here, a vid we thought you might be interested in. It's in the attachments. For your eyes only.

G

ATTACHED: REC-00342

_[DOWNLOADING FILE…]_

_[DOWNLOADED TO DOWNLOADS FOLDER]_

_[OPENING FILE…]_

_[PLAY]_

"_Unh… Ah! G-Garrus! Ah!– Close… Haa! Garrus, I'm so close– "_

"_Hng! Sh-Shepard! I– Hn!"_

"_AH! I – Ungh – I'm almost– GARRUS!"_

"_SHEP– !"_

_[PAUSE]_

_[EXIT]_

_[DELETING FILE]_

_[FILE DELETED]_

* * *

**A/N:** Well, there it goes! :D The prompt looked fun, so I thought I would pick it up. I thought I could do maybe a one-chapter thing, but I realised the potential for this to go on indefinitely (I was pretty mad at Kitty Litter too). So there probably will be subsequent chapters, though I can't promise regular updates especially right now when the Reality server has a huge boss fight coming up.

I couldn't resist adding the last one. :D

With hope I will continue this soon,

Kasumi

P.S.: Tali's message for those who couldn't make out her drunken keyboard smashing ( :P ) :

**You love everyone!**

From: Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

You do, don't you? That's why you go through all this trouble. You're sooooo sweeeeeet…. Oh, I think I had one too many of those red wine things. Its getting hard to see the screen. Feel so sleepy, I think I'll just lie down for a lit

Tali


	2. Chapter 2

**Kitty**

From: Jack

Heard about your fight with Shepard on Thessia. Told her to suck it up and deal. Just because a big pussy couldn't take her head-on doesn't mean it's the end of the– oh right, it _is_ the end of the universe. Remind me to kick your fu– your pug ugly face so far up your own ass you can eat your spine when we meet up for coffee or some other gay sh- stuff like that. It's the least you deserve.

Go to hell, you bas– idiot.

Jack

* * *

**A real man**

From: Batarian State Arms

Hello, men. Look at your gun, now back to mine. Now back at your gun, now back to MINE. Sadly, it isn't mine (because you don't have one). But if you stopped using old crap and switched to Batarian State Arms, it could sound like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on a frigate, with a gun your gun could sound like. What's in your hand? Back at mine. I have it. It's a purse with two pairs of skivvies from an Alliance commander's panty drawer. Look again, the skivvies are now ryncol. Anything is possible when your gun sounds like one from Batarian State Arms and not a piece of shit swinging through the air. I'm on a space cow.

Defending the Hegemony,

Batarian State Arms.

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"Before the network, there was the fleet. Before diplomacy, there were soldiers!

Our influence stopped the rachni, but before that we held the line!

Our influence stopped the krogan, but before that, we held the line!

Our influence will stop Saren; in the battle today, we will hold the line!"." – Captain Kirrahe

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* * *

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

From: Bob

Congratulations, [Kitty Litter]! You have won our Galactic Lucky Draw contest! Your prize – a 2' x 2' asteroid collected from the dangerous borders of the lawless Terminus Systems! To receive your prize, please deposit a total of 50, 000 credits into the following account: [REDACTED]

We look forward to awarding you your prize! Have a nice day!

Bob's Shady Draws

* * *

**[No subject]**

From: Javik

I still find it incredible that I need this 'keyboard' contraption to convey messages. I must even press my fingers to the holo to 'type' in words. This is an outrage. However, what is even more outrageous is that thing you call a weapon. You swing it in people's faces and taunt them, but later turn tail and run. And Cerberus calls you their best assassin? It is baffling to see such behaviour akin to that of a five-year-old child, but I suppose I can only expect so much from a primitive who still uses a 'sword'.

Javik

* * *

**Have a great time with Volubra! **

From: Don Juan

Greetings, Earth-clan. I am Don Juan, a specialised dealer in certain… goods. I observed that you are male (I apologise for the initial mix-up, my VI had categorised you as female) and would like to offer you a bargain deal. It is to my understanding that human males sometimes have… problems getting the act on. For this, I have, with the help of my salarian partner, improved and developed the substance you know as Viagra and what we call Volubra. It is guaranteed to be ten times as effective and proven to have instant results! Under the right conditions, you can even last for up to four galactic standard hours! So whether you're on that first date or looking to impress your long-time beau, Volubra is always there for you! Only a hundred credits per prescription!

Terms and conditions apply.

Don Juan

* * *

**By the honour of the Code**

From: Justicar Samara

For the first time, I can truly say that I will feel no remorse in taking the life of someone the Code compels me to. That person is you.

Samara

* * *

**YOU [REDACTED]!**

From: Urdnot Grunt

Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your cow! You, your unworthy eyes have seen Shepard's naked body? HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY BATTLEMASTER! I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU. PAINFULLY. MAY YOU FEEL THE MIGHT OF TUCHANKA CRUSHING YOUR BONES! [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]

[REDACTED] YOUR COW!

Grunt

* * *

**Die**

From: Urdnot Wrex

You're lucky little Grunt still has his profanity filter turned on. That was my _sister_ you just saw a home-vid porn of, Kitty Litter. Urdnot Wrex does not take kindly to outsiders who disrespect krannt.

Sleep at night. If you dare.

Wrex

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"I'm the boss, CEO, queen if you're feeling dramatic. It doesn't matter. Omega has no titled ruler and only one rule. Don't fuck with Aria." – Aria T'Loak

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* * *

**A few words**

From: Kolyat Krios

The commander sent me this address a few days ago. I have done nothing with it since then because I did not know what to say. I still don't, but if I say nothing now, I will likely not say nothing at all forever.

My father was a man who thought his entire life was built upon mistakes, errors of his own making. He was not the father I had wanted him to be, and I hated him for that. He was, in my eyes, overly–devoted to his work. My mother killed as a result. I hated him for that too. Then he abandoned me, left to do something and told me nothing. I all but renounced him as my father. He took it all upon himself. He claimed every misfortune suffered as a misstep on his part. He thought it was he to be blamed, his burden to be carried. I thought he was right. Now, I know that he was wrong.

Thane Krios was a brave man, the bravest I ever knew. He had the courage and strength unlike many to admit his mistakes. Perhaps his only fault was doubting himself too much and too soon. I regret to say I only realised these things much later in life than I should have had. Only recognised my father for who he really was a few months back. Our time reunited as father and son would be brief, due to his crippling ailment. But we would have made the most of it – damn the war and its consequences. But then you happened, and that was lost. Nevertheless, I am thankful that I was given the chance to make peace with him and have my father back, even for a while.

I thought I would convey a few of his last words to you before he died:

"An assassin should be embarrassed. A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target."

Raging at you would do nothing to bring him back. Neither will petty revenge. I only wish to say that you may have taken my father from me, but his memory stays with me always.

Our legacy and that of others will always live on in the hearts of those left behind, no matter what the Reapers or Cerberus do to us. No matter what Cerberus' actions are from this point onward, know that it is the one thing you can never take away from anyone. My father left his with me when he died. And I am his legacy.

Kolyat

* * *

**Practical experiments**

From: David Archer

Hello, Kitty Litter. You may have heard of me, I was Cerberus' test subject for Project Overload some time ago. The commander freed me from Atlas Station and gave me a life again. So I hope you can understand that I have felt greatly in her debt since then. With that in mind, you should be able to imagine my distress when I had learned you stole some valuable data on Thessia through the use of cheats, which goes against conventional game rules to begin with, and later even viewed pornographic vids of her at your own discretion. I am afraid I cannot let this be.

I will be sending several zettabytes-worth of meaningless code to this address every five minutes after completion of this message. This will theoretically overload your servers and cause them to malfunction, effectively disabling a part of Cerberus' communication systems (I was inspired, in particular, by the Normandy computer, though I regret to say I do not possess the sufficient pornographic material necessary to well and truly emulate her example). This will be an interesting field test, as the geth are also curious how well and efficiently Cerberus engineers respond to your botching of their systems yet again.

We look forward to be assessing you.

David

* * *

**A/N:** Second part up! :D When I was writing this part, I was considering breaking away from canon timeline so I could write Legion and Mordin. But after writing Kolyat's letter, I guess that's a no-go. Oh well... I surprisingly enjoyed writing Kolyat's bit, and that kind of dominated this 'chapter' but eh, in this case I think it can be excused.

Just to let you know, I do accept reader submissions! :D But only if they catch my attention and even then, I will unlikely copy them word for word - just the general idea or concept behind them. For instance, the mail from Javik was slightly modified from one given in a comment on LJ and the ones about er, Viagra and the meteoroid were from a couple of the reviewers from the first chapter. So feel free to share your thoughts on what Kitty Litter should receive in his inbox! :D I would especially appreciate ideas for quotes, since I tend to scramble with that bit (try to make them all serious and deep, please!). Any help is much appreciated!

- Kasumi


	3. Chapter 3

**Of battles and wars**

From: Major Kirrahe

Our future is grim and our past weeks have been challenging, but we will hold the line.

Our homeworlds have been razed to the ground and our families slaughtered, but we will hold the line.

Our time remaining may be short and our lives may be lost at any time, but we will hold the line.

Our unity will hold back and crush both Cerberus and the Reapers; in the war today, we will hold the line!

You may won the battle on Thessia, but this war is not over.

Major Kirrahe

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"Tonight, I'm as free as the dust in the solar wind." – Shalai (Fleet and Flotilla)

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages! Your next inspiring quote will be ready in another thirty galactic standard minutes!

[This is an automated message, please do not respond to this mail.]

* * *

**How very interesting**

From: Miranda Lawson

Still alive? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, you always were a slippery snake. Crawling along the ground on your belly and using the dirtiest tricks of the trade. My sources tell me you recently got a dock in pay after you were ratted out for having several zettabytes worth of asari porn in your possession for the second time in a week. Not that it's any of my business what you do in your spare time, but I must say I was rather surprised to have it come from you.

Either way, thought I would remind you that everyone who pisses off Shepard always ends up dead. Some way or another. And let me tell you, she's not very pleased about what happened on Thessia.

Tell the Illusive Man I send him my regards.

Miranda

* * *

**By the way**

From: Oriana Lawson

Hello, Kitty Litter. My message will be brief because I only wish to forward something of interest to you which I had discovered by chance. Also, I do not take kindly to attempts to kill my sister or me.

Please go to hell.

Oriana

* * *

**A gift of music**

From: Dr. Mordin Solus [FORWARDED BY: ORIANA LAWSON]

_[AUTOPLAY ATTACHED AUDIO FILE]_

_Human patter songs engaging, makes singing very enjoyable. Rarely favour other types of their music, human tastes in melodies can be very strange. Interesting examples of … questionable music particularly prevalent in twenty-first century – teenage boy singing songs about human infants, grown adult woman with fascinatingly different coloured hair every other day singing… inexplicable things._

_But yes, pleasing music to be found even if not of patter variety – religious hymn 'Amazing Grace' for example. Cannot do justice to it. Beautiful melody._

_Ah. Apologies, got carried away. Currently recording, of course. [sniff] Hardly ever perform non-patter song. Exceptions rare. This occasion one such exception. Song from nearly two-century-old human film titled 'Sound of Music'. Highly recommended. Human actors all with great talent._

_Ahem._

'_You are silly going on crazy,_

_Kitty, it's time to pray._

_Better beware,_

_Be canny and careful,_

_Kitty, you'll never get laid._

'_You are silly going on crazy,_

_Fellows sharpen their knives._

_EAger young lads,_

_And roués and cads,_

_Will offer to skin you alive.'_

_[sniff] Maybe next time. Until then, will stick to patter songs. Perhaps a rendition of 'Shepard had a Little Kitty'?_

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist." – Harry Potter (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages! Your next inspiring quote will be ready in another thirty galactic standard minutes!

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* * *

**Fuck this shit**

From: Aria T'Loak

Omega has returned to my hand where it rightfully belongs. Your prim and proper Illusive Man sitting in his pretty three-million-credit chair and drinking that shitty bourbon couldn't take it from me. No one can. But he's fucked with my station and he's going to pay. He's going to pay for every single fucking life he took tenfold and he's going to do it PAINFULLY. You aren't exempt either. You had as much a hand in this as he did – every single last one of you Cerberus scum.

I am Omega. I am the end of all things. If that prissy Shepard doesn't kill you, believe me; I will.

In the meantime, I'm leaving all of your agents who you left behind on my station in the care of the Omega citizens. I'm sure they can find more creative ways to display their hospitality.

Aria

* * *

**Intriguing human inventions**

From: Primarch Adrien Victus

I only wish to express my amusement on your new nickname… Kitty Litter. If my information is correct, it is a sort of sandy material used in covering and concealing animal faeces and general waste material. That is… fitting. I like it, this new name of yours. As you know, names are important in turian culture and to be bestowed a title and have it readily accepted by so many is indeed an honour few have achieved. You should be proud of yourself.

Victus

* * *

**For science**

From: Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh

While Tali'Zorah and I may not be on very good terms with each other, she still sends me little titbits of information here and there. This was how I heard of the numerous cybernetic implants distributed throughout your body. I don't believe anyone else in the galaxy, Commander Shepard excluded of course, has been cybernetically augmented to such a degree. Such technologically advanced equipment could prove useful in furthering our understanding of the geth. You will be a fascinating specimen, and I look forward to examining your corpse.

Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh

* * *

**Inspiring Quote!**

From: donotreply inspringquotes

Hello, Kitty Litter! This is your new inspiring quote:

"Make cookies, not war." – Anonymous

Thank you for subscribing to Inspiring Quotes of the Ages! Your next inspiring quote will be ready in another thirty galactic standard minutes!

[This is an automated message, please do not respond to this mail.]

* * *

**A/N:** I am terribly sorry for the long absence! I was having finals and everything non-essential had to be put on hold for a while. Here's to hoping I'll pass those papers and get to advance! owo

Thank you so much for all your suggestions, guys! They really helped out a lot. As you may see, quite a few have been used for this chapter (especially Admiral Xen's, thank you, Dreaded Rasengan!) so keep 'em coming! :D

One last thing before I scamper off to play DA Origins; the song Mordin was singing is based on 'Sixteen Going on Seventeen'. So sing it to that tune! And nope, that's not a typo of 'eager'. I deliberately meant to put 'EAger'. In my blur state right now, it looks like a brilliant reference to EA Games but I'm sure I'm going to look at this two days from now and wonder why the hell I did that. xD


End file.
